Self Talk – Be Kind
In this blog Coach Denise looks at how we talk to ourselves and what impact that could be having. Learning to be a little bit kinder to ourselves can have positive impacts on all aspects of our lives.
In the past couple of weeks, I have had the same conversation with several athletes. The exact nature of the discussion has varied but at the core of the chat, there has been one thing in common. The athletes concerned are training well, showing real progress, and hitting goals agreed on weeks ago. However, they are still making negative comments about themselves, and beating themselves up for not being good enough.
In one case, an athlete who completed her first ever triathlon in 2022 and came first in her age group truly feels that she could have done better and that she let herself down, to such an extent that she has taken several months to even get back into the pool. Instead of reflecting on what she can do better next time, she got herself so upset about what she saw as a poor performance that she completely lost all confidence in her own abilities. Yes, it was her first triathlon and there were certainly, things she will do better next time, but expecting perfection at her first event, in which she actually did really well, meant she lost sight of her actual achievement.
When looking at our own performances we often compare ourselves to others, as well as our own past achievements. Such comparisons can be helpful, but many times we end up putting ourselves down rather than building ourselves up. In my own experience, I learned to swim in my early forties and have spent most of my life describing myself as not really a swimmer. It was only after someone pointed out to me that if I can complete a 3.8km open water swim in an Ironman event then I must be a swimmer, that I really thought about what I was saying. I now describe myself as a steady swimmer who is better at distance than speed. Such words matter. As Henry Ford put it If you think you can, or you can’t – you’re right.
My advice to those athletes I was talking to was to step back, listen to what they are saying and think about how they would have a conversation with a friend who had achieved what they have, or whose training was going as theirs is.
Additionally, thinking about the words we are using and the tone and approach in terms of hearing someone else say that to a loved one can also help put it into perspective. If someone told your child or sibling, what you say to yourself, how would you feel about that? Does it sound like a supportive, positive way to encourage someone to improve and praise great performances? Or is it setting unrealistic goals and expectations which can never be fulfilled?
Working with a coach can be a huge help here. Having someone with who you can talk through the goal setting, including stretch goals, and then helping you to reflect on actual performances in training and races can really set a great basis for future development.
The role of the coach is to work with the athlete to set the goals, reflect on performances with the athlete, and, be realistic in terms of what may be impacting the training progression, life impacts, injury or illness for example. Having that third-person view of your progress can really help to show development and keep the athlete motivated. Developing a strong coach–athlete relationship will ensure honesty in the discussions. Not all conversations are going to be easy, sometimes the coach needs to be a bit tough and push you, the athlete, a little, when a lot of excuses are being made for missing training or if the effort level is dropping for no reason. This is the role of the coach, not the role of the athlete, so easing up a little on self-criticism can make the whole area of training a lot more enjoyable.
Once we can learn that habit from training then taking that into other aspects of our life can show benefits here too, increasing satisfaction with areas done well, and being more realistic about achievable. After all, most of us train for enjoyment in some way. If we can’t be kind to ourselves when we are doing our best, at something we do for fun, when can we be?
Denise has been coaching triathletes since 2019 as a coach at her local triathlon club in West Lothian. Between 2019 and 2022, Denise was the Head coach in the club, working with a team of coaches to support and develop triathletes with a wide range of capabilities, completing her BTF Triathlon Level 2 coaching qualification in 2021.
Denise joined Tri Training Harder as a coach in 2021, building on the qualifications through the experience and knowledge passed on by the coaching team.
In 2019 Denise set up and continues to run her own Jog Scotland running group, a mixed ability group of runners who meet weekly. This delivers on her passion for helping people to do much more than they think they can.
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